No seriously. I am. I was? I'm trying not to be? I'm kinda new to this addict thing, so help me out.
But no matter what tense you put it in, I'm now 15 days free of caffeine being in charge of my body. And as cute or trite or stupid as it may be, I'm embarrassed that I had an addiction and didn't know/acknowledge it. That word--know--and that word--acknowledge--those are some tricky words. They have the same root but mean very different things. I may know I have a problem with something. Knowing happens in the brain. But if I acknowledge I have a problem with something, that happens out in the world where other people can hear it.
And the bitter truth is, I've been addicted to caffeine. Here's how I'd like to justify this thing.
I'd like to tell you that it wasn't really that bad. I *only* drank 4 cups of coffee (half decalf) a day and *maybe* 2-3 cups of tea. Yeah, I'd get a headache *now and then* when I didn't drink coffee everyday. Yes, I'm extremely grumpy and short-sighted in the morning before I'd get half a cup in me. But I'm a busy gal! I use a lot of energy everyday! I have 4 children, a new puppy, a little pick-me-up in the early afternoon just gives me the little burst of energy I need to properly homeschool my children, and I like to stay up late!
There. Those are my lame excuses trying to distract both you and me away from the real issue....somewhere along about the past 2 years caffeine started running the Jody Robinson show.
But I'd like to tell you, to pretend, that it's not one of those real addictions like alcohol, nicotine, heroine, shopping.
See. There it is again. Lame excuse.
Because the truth of the matter is I claim to be a follower of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. You know, God in human form who walked the planet 2000 years ago to sacrifice Himself for all of my lame excuses? You've heard of Him? Good, because this should be a lot easier to explain.
For me to claim freedom from sin through Christ and yet cling to a desire (caffeine high) that is not of Him, makes me slave to the desire while trying to walk in purity. Do you know how hard it is to try to walk in purity while holding onto sinful desires? Really hard. Really, really hard. Picture this (PG-13) image: A virgin man walking around with a naked woman strapped to his chest. Trying to walk in purity, but clinging to something totally opposite that desire.
When I was finally able to see that I have a naked woman strapped to my chest,...er..um, I mean that I'm addicted to caffeine, I took it before God to see if it's in congruence with living a life that's sold out for His purposes. Turns out, it's not. Being addicted to something makes me a slave to it. And there's nothing that I'm going to choose to be slave to besides the God who created me, died for me, claimed me as His own and is worthy of complete devotion.
I'm seriously embarrassed that this is an issue for me. It's been a very humbling two weeks. And so much easier to not tell people why I'm detoxing. The real reason is because God has to be first in my life. He has to be my strength, my joy, my buzz. Not a drug.
Here's the deal. It's much easier to say, "Caffeine is so bad for your body, I just want to cleanse." Problem is, that's a lie.
But what if while I'm detoxing, I'm super grumpy? I'm talkin', headache for 3 days kind of grumpy! And irritable and unbelievably tired and craving, seriously, craving coffee. That certainly wasn't very Christ-like. Sorry for the people (especially the ones under 4 ft tall) who had to live through that with me.
So help me with the lingo? Am I an addict? Is there a time when I'm not an addict? Is it really creepy when I stand close to people with coffee in their hand just to get a whiff of that strong, acidic, deliriously yummy aroma?